R-E-A-L - L-I-F-E

"Children do not need to be made to learn, or shown how.
They want to and they know how."
- John Holt, author of How Children Learn

Holt spent many years teaching, observing, and learning from children, but any parent can see that children are born wanting to grow up to be part of the adult world. They are so curious and eager that it seems almost impossible to keep up with their drive to do and learn everything.

Then at some point learning gets separated from the rest of life and turned into schooling. We are taught that learning means sitting still, doing as you're told. Insatiable, passionate learners are turned into bored, rebellious, frightened or passive students. Loving parents become frustrated and burned out teachers. There must be a better way!

The good news is there are lots of parents and children who are growing without schooling -- living/learning in their own way, at their own pace, without text books, lessons, tests or coercion. And there are more and more stories of unschooled children who grow up to be happy, confident, competent adults doing meaningful and satisfying work. Ready to give unschooling a try? Here's my handy list of reminders for letting go of schooling and enjoying a REAL LIFE:

R - Relax. It sounds easy, but it takes practice. Being a parent may just be the most difficult challenge of our lives. When you start to feel stress coming on, take a breath, take a hike, take a nap; take up knitting or square dancing or scuba diving. Take it one day (or one moment) at a time.

E - Enjoy. The challenges of parenting are great and the rewards are even greater. The years go by so quickly -- embrace each stage and welcome the changes. If you take pictures, write a journal or make a scrapbook, you can enjoy it again when the children are grown and the house is quiet and orderly.

A - Accept and acknowledge the absolutely amazing, awesome and authentic
individuals who share your life. Allow them to "be how they grow."

L - Love is the greatest gift. Giving is receiving. One of Ned's last wishes was that he had told his kids more often how much he loves them. He said, “I want everybody to know that love is the most important thing!”

L - Learn from and learn with your children. Learn to play, learn a new skill, learn about yourself. Learn to trust, learn to let go. Look how your children are learning! Listen. Laugh lots. Living is learning. Teaching is largely unnecessary.

I - Investigate intriguing ideas. Interest leads to learning. It's an infinite and interconnected universe of ideas and information. One thing leads to another -- you can start anywhere, stop when you've had enough. Improvise. It's impossible to predict exactly which skills or knowledge will be needed in ten or twenty years.

F - Fearlessly forgive and forget. Schooling forced us to be fearful; unschooling encourages us to be brave. Have the courage to fail. We all make mistakes. Forgive yourself and forge ahead. "Forget everything you learned in school." Did your first boss tell you that? It's still good advice. Have fun. Have faith. Fool around. Be flexible. Fix something. Fourish.

E - Expect miracles. Encourage and enable exploration. Eschew ersatz
educational edicts. Embody the traits you wish to pass on. Empower your
children (and yourself) to experiment, to engage in a life worth living and
work worth doing.

The Uncurriculum

“To parents I say, above all else, don't let your home become some terrible miniature copy of the school. No lesson plans! No quizzes! No tests! No report cards! Even leaving your children alone would be better; at least they could figure out some things on their own. Live together, as well as you can; enjoy life together, as much as you can. Ask questions to find out something about the world itself, not to find out whether or not someone knows it.”
John Holt Teach Your Own

No school books? no tests? no grades? Well what, then???

Play is children's most important activity. It's the way they figure out how the world works, what part they have in the world. Cassidy and his friend used to say, “Let's betend...” and then spend hours being race car drivers, cops, robbers, parents, space cadets, puppies, babies, hunters, merchants, explorers.... Scientists play with theories, writers play with words and ideas, inventors play with materials & concepts, parents learn how to play again...

Work: No, I don't mean forcing kids to do chores, but allowing, encouraging (and having patience with) them to join you in your work at their level of ability and interest; helping them to find access to their own work in the real world when they choose. Real work. Real tools. Real responsibility. Volunteering, getting paid for some of those chores, apprenticing, starting a business...

Reading: Being read to (if and when you and they enjoy it); seeing others read for pleasure and curiosity; playing with books, letters, words, maps, puzzles, board games, comic books... No pressure -- some learn to read at 4, some at 12 & by the time they're 16, no one can tell the difference.

Math: Instead of math lessons, check out the fascinating and beautiful books in the library. Pocket money or allowance, getting & spending; blocks, cards, dominoes; sports & games; origami; cooking, gardening; building a model or a tree house, measuring distance, angles, heat, light, weight, speed...

Science: Humans are born scientists. Encourage curiosity & help kids go where it leads: mud, pets, rocks, bugs, stars, trains, bicycles, fishing, swimming, computers, dinosaurs, food, bodies, weather...

Art & music: real materials and instruments, lessons & practice (if kids choose) or messing about with piano, recorder, ukulele, drum, clay, paint; seeing art & artists, acting, listening to music, dancing, playing along...

Doing nothing: thinking, dreaming, watching the clouds, imagining... Often “doing nothing” means kids are not doing what parents think they should be doing. Which means kids are doing what they choose, which is the best way (maybe the only way) people learn. The point is, schooling, textbooks, and most “educational materials” are artificial, boring and limiting. Real life and real work are unlimited, unpredictable, fascinating. And kids know the difference.

What is Unschooling?

Unschooling is trusting the learner to be in charge of his or her own learning. It is not a method of instruction we use on our children, but a process we adults go through to unlearn the lessons and undo the effects of our years of schooling.


Schooling taught us that learning only happens in a certain place and time, under the direction and/or force of a teacher, expert, or other authority.


Unschooling ourselves restores our child-like curiosity. It encourages us to trust that we are all learning all the time and that we are the experts when it comes to choosing what, when, how, where, how much and with whom we learn.


Schooling taught us that our interests were unimportant, disruptive, a waste of time, just play, not “the real world.”


Unschooling frees us to follow our interests wherever they lead. As John Holt said in Instead of Education: “We learn something from everything we do, and everything that happens to us or is done to us.... It is the quality of our experiences, the satisfaction, excitement, or joy that we get or fail to get from them, that will determine how those experiences change us--in short, what we learn.... (O)ur most rapid, efficient, far-reaching, useful, and permanent learning comes from our doing things that we ourselves have decided to do, and ... in doing such things we often need very little help or none at all.”


Schooling taught us that experts know when everyone should learn to read, write, do arithmetic. If we didn't fit into their schedule, the experts labeled us slow or dyslexic, ADD, ODD, ADHD, defiant or learning disabled.


Unschooling reassures us that we all learn and grow in our own way, at our own pace, and there is no hurry, no getting behind. At the Sudbury Valley School in Massachusetts, no one is ever told to stop what they're doing and learn to read, do math (or anything else), yet all the students learn to read, write and calculate. Some ask for help, some teach themselves in mysterious ways. Some start to read when they are four, some when they're twelve, but by the time they're sixteen, nobody can tell who learned “early” and who learned “late.”


Schooling taught us that learning means sitting still, being quiet, obeying the rules no matter how stupid or harmful or unfair they are. And if we couldn't or wouldn't sit still we were “motivated,” coaxed, bribed, coerced, punished, shamed, even drugged into submission.


Unschooling allows coloring outside the lines. Learning is active, passionate, sometimes sociable, noisy and messy, sometimes lonely, silent and invisible. Learning happens all the time -- even while we're sleeping. All living beings want, need, and love to learn! It's almost impossible to stop learning, but we can slow it down by coaxing, bribing, coercion, punishment, etc.


Schooling prevented us from being responsible for our own living and learning, forced us to depend on experts, authorities, rules and regulations to make us do the right thing. This is a tough one to unlearn because nobody ever says it in so many words -- it is simply the underlying assumption of the schooling business.


Unschooling respects and honors our intelligence and our virtue. We were all born with the desire and the ability to learn what we need to know in order to be contributing members of our family and our society. Unschooling is unleashing, unfurling, unbinding our innate ability to choose for ourselves the ideas and activities that foster lifelong learning and growth.


John Taylor Gatto, New York City and State Teacher of the Year, said, “I don't think the world can afford well-schooled children anymore, whether they come from the factories of government, of church, or of private industry. We need a different kind of man and woman to tackle the future, the kind of young people who accept the obligations of living joyfully and with responsibility.”


Because most of us were so well schooled, we sometimes need a little help from our friends to unschool ourselves. Unschoolers Unlimited publishes an occasional email newsletter and mailing list so we can stay in touch and encourage each other. We send out a free information packet by email. Send to:nedvare@ntplx.net. We hold informal family gatherings so we can get together to play, socialize, share ideas, information, inspiration and good food. We hope you'll join us.