Ungraduation

In June, 1998, our son Cassidy took the GED (high school equivalency test) and scored 97%. He received (in the mail) his high school diploma “With Honors” from the State of Connecticut. In the SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test), he scored 1390 (higher than half the high school valedictorians in the state). Where did he learn all that? We didn't “teach” him or even sweetly suggest that it might be a good idea to learn the basics. We didn't see him use school books or do anything that looked like studying. We didn't test him, although for his own reasons he sometimes tested himself. We learned to trust that he was learning all the time -- not easy for a couple of former schoolteachers!

During his “high school” years, he was determined that he wouldn't go to college. For three years he worked part time making jewelry for a small cottage industry nearby. Then he added a second job at a video rental store. Both his employers and his fellow workers were impressed with his knowledge, competence and responsibility. Soon he was promoted to assistant manager. For the first 16 years of his life he had pretty much followed his own rhythm and now this night owl was getting himself up and fed and off to work on time every day. Who taught him that?

And what about socialization? I must admit that's one thing we did try to impose on him, but to his credit, he resisted our efforts and found his own friends in the neighborhood and in the activities he chose. Even though he spent a lot of time alone, he does not lack “sociability” in any sense. He gets along well with people of all ages and as he says, “I can be quite charming” with customers.

When he was eighteen he decided to go to Hunter College in Manhattan. He always loved New York and wanted to continue learning about computers, film, and life in the big city. He found an apartment and roommates -- all without much assistance from us. I believe he got more education in that month of apartment hunting than he will in four years of college.

The day before Cassidy started college, he showed me his textbooks and predicted that he would make the Dean's List. I was glad to hear that he was so confident about his first experience with formal academics. He has taken to it like a duck to water, making straight As his first semester. In his sophomore year he was invited to enroll in the Honors Curriculum, which he says will allow him to skip some of the less interesting undergraduate requirements and take more challenging interdisciplinary courses with some of the best professors and smartest students. And, he says, “It will give you guys some more to brag about.”

What, me? Brag? I hope I would be just as proud if he had decided not to go to college but to continue working at the video store, or quit and hitch hike to California. Or learn a trade, join the circus, or the army. Now that would be a test for me! What tickles me most is that he studied Tai Chi with my beloved teacher, who says he's “marvelous!”

Homeschoolers fall into a trap when we define success in terms of grades, test scores, early reading, etc. I may be contributing to the problem, but my intention is to show that you don't have to do “school at home” in order to qualify for and succeed in college -- if that's what you want.

I asked Cassidy if there were gaps in his learning or things we should have done differently to prepare for college. He said there were some things he probably should have studied, but that he knows it was his responsibility, not ours, to determine how to go about learning them. And when he finds gaps he has no trouble filling them in. (Just for the record: I have a few gaps in my education.)

In 2001 Cassidy graduated with honors, moved to Brooklyn and fell in love with bicycles. He worked in a bike shop for a couple of years then rode solo to Seattle, met the love of his life and persuaded her to come back to Brooklyn. They had a glorious wedding in our back yard. A year ago he opened his own shop, Bespoke Bicycles and business is booming. http://www.bespoke-bicycles.com

It's just what we were hoping for! He is a young man who takes responsibility for his own life and education. He is confident that if there is anything he needs or wants to know, he can do it on his own or find help.

We didn't teach him responsibility or confidence any more than we taught reading or math. Like all children, he was born with the intelligence and the drive to grow into an adult and take his place in the world. What would have happened to the human race thousands of years ago if this were not true? It's a natural process, but parents and teachers thwart human nature by trying to force (or motivate, bribe, trick, persuade, cajole or coerce) children into ways of learning and being that go against their own innate, powerful, brilliant and unique intelligence.

Trust your children.